


Song For A Winter Night

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Fluff, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-06
Updated: 2004-05-06
Packaged: 2018-12-27 09:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Itâ€™s Christmas time in Pittsburgh and the boys have a lot on their minds.





	Song For A Winter Night

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

~The lamp is burning low upon my table top  
The snow is softly falling  
The air is still in the silence of my room  
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near  
To breathe a sigh or two  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter night with you~

It was a cold snowy night in Pittsburgh. Christmas would be upon the city in the morning, and the city was decked out in its holiday finery, but at that moment the streets were empty and quiet. It was late, almost 3:30, and most people were at home, curled up in their beds, getting ready for the coming holiday. But not everyone was asleep. In a spacious loft on Tremont, a man with piercing hazel eyes paced slowly and methodically through the rooms guided only by the hauntingly beautiful blue glow of the lights above his bed.

Brian sighed to himself. It had been months since that bed had been of any comfort to him, months since he had been able to close his eyes and block out the world and his own daemons. Even the aide of drugs and alcohol couldn’t bring the peace he craved; they weren’t even an acceptable substitute. As for the tricks, Brian was bored with him. The conquest that had been such a major part of his life had grown tired and it had been just over a month since he had been with anyone. Brian Kinney not having sex; he was sure this was a sign that the apocalypse was imminent.

In those extremely rare moments of complete honesty, Brian could admit what was missing from his life, what caused his sleepless nights, what caused all others to seem only second best in his eyes, and that was Justin. Of course he tried not to think of it often, but still it was there, the truth that lived in the loft like another person. Since the ill fated Rage party so many months ago, not a night had passed where Brian didn’t reach towards the side of the bed Justin had occupied only to be startled that it was empty. In those moments, somewhere between dreams and reality, Brian could believe that Justin was only a moment away, ready to curl up in the warmth of his lover’s arms. But then the light would creep in, and once again Brian would be reminded that he was alone.

Justin may have been gone, but his presence could never be erased from the loft. He had removed his belongings months ago, but there had been forgotten items which Brian saved, hoping that either Justin would not remember them so he could at least keep some connection to his former lover, or that one day Justin would come to claim them as he returned to the place he belonged, next to Brian. His laughter still echoed from the walls. His figure still appeared in memories as Brian scanned the loft reliving tender, private moments. But the light was gone, and Brian wondered if he would ever see it again.

In the beginning, Brian had done his best to blame Justin for what had happened, for why they had fallen apart. He tried to believe that it was all Justin’s fault that new daemons had joined the ones he had lived with his entire life. He had always been so careful to keep people at bay, only letting them in so far, and then suddenly this kid had appeared and all the rules were changed and Brian’s life was turned upside down. But it was good while it lasted. Brian saw the bitter and painful end as proof that he had been right in the first place; love wasn’t real. It was only an illusion, something people tell each other that could only end in pain. But it was all a lie, and Brian knew it. Of course, it wasn’t a case of Brian being the wretch while Justin was the wronged party. Justin had cheated, he had broken their rules, but Brian knew that he was at fault too. He had, or at least should have, seen the pain in Justin’s eyes every time he brought a trick back to the loft. He could hear Justin’s silent pleas for his love and had pretended not to. They were both to blame. Brian was the one who pushed Justin off a cliff and into the waiting arms of the fiddler. Privately, Brian wondered if Justin knew why he had done it.

Not that it mattered really, because Justin hadn’t come back. The great romance with Ethan hadn’t lasted long, a month to be exact. Brian never expected it to. A part of him had wondered if Justin would come back then, but it hadn’t happened. Instead Justin had moved into his own apartment not too far from Liberty Avenue, and as far as anyone could tell, was enjoying the independent life of a single boy. It was impossible for Brian and Justin to avoid each other completely as Justin still worked at the diner, and they had the same friends. Brian had been relived that, with the notable exception of Michael, no one took sides after the break-up and continued to embrace both men equally. Brian would have been able to deal with it if the gang had decided to cut him off, but had they ostracized Justin he would have been devastated. Justin had lost enough family in his life. Luckily the situation never came up. So, Brian and Justin saw each other at the diner, occasionally at Babylon, or at Deb’s, but the conversation never got past the hellos and how are you doings.

Brian walked over to the window with a glass of Jim Beam in his hand (he may have cut down, and stopped taking drugs, but he wasn’t going to give up his old friend Jim completely). He watched thick snow flakes travel past his window and fall softly to the ground below, covering everything in white. Despite having the heat on, the loft seemed chilly. Tiring of the silence, he turned the radio on low, and heard the faint sounds of a song about a cold winter night. He had to admit that it was fitting. Brian continued to stare out the window without really seeing anything, and he wondered what Justin was doing.

~*~*~*~*

~The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead  
My glass is almost empty  
I read again between the lines upon each page  
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart  
That you were lonely too  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter night with you~

About a mile away, Justin was awake as well. He was curled up in his favorite chair in his apartment. The place he had rented was a tiny one bedroom, but it was clean (unlike the rat trap Ethan had called home), warm, and Justin loved it. For once in his life, he had a place that was truly and completely his. No one could kick him out; no one could tell him he didn’t belong. The little apartment was his own private sanctuary where he could escape from the world and all the hurts of real life. So what if it got a little lonely at times, at least he was independent.

A sketch book was balanced on Justin’s knees, but he didn’t touch it. He hadn’t been able to sleep, so he had tried drawing to help him relax, but everything that had come onto the page had been all wrong. Well, not wrong exactly, just things he would rather not think about. The only thing he could draw that night was Brian. Justin was frustrated himself. He was supposed to have put that behind him. He had worked so hard to tell himself that he was over the older man, but the figures on the paper told a different story.

Sighing, Justin set down his sketch pad and pulled the blanket he had around his shoulders even closer. He reached for the mug of hot chocolate sitting on the table next to him, trying not to think about the letter sitting next to it. But it was impossible as his hand grazed the paper. The handwriting on the envelope was the reason he couldn’t sleep that night. Finally giving in to temptation, Justin picked up the envelope and removed its contents. The first item was a check to cover the second semester at PIFA. Justin had been surprised when he heard that Brian was still intending to pay for his education after what happened, but his former lover and been adamant that they had made an agreement and he wouldn’t break it. The next paper he pulled out was a short note from Brian.

Dear Justin,  
Here’s the tuition for your second semester. I hope you’re doing all right. Promise me that you’ll call if you ever need anything.  
Later,  
Brian

Justin didn’t know what to make of the few words on the page. You could never quite tell what Brian meant. Justin wanted to believe that they meant more than they appeared to, wanted to believe that they meant that Brian missed Justin just as the teen missed the older man. It was a ridiculous idea, and Justin chastised himself for even thinking it, but he couldn’t entirely dismiss the idea. Brian had finished the note with “later”. That was their parting word. Brian had to feel something for him, even if it wasn’t love. Otherwise he wouldn’t have offered the extra help. It was enough that he was making sure that Justin could still go to college. Justin just hoped that what ever was motivating Brian’s actions, it wasn’t pity or guilt.

Standing, Justin rose slowly and walked to the window. The snow had not stopped falling, and the teen spent a few minutes quietly examining the flakes that stuck to the glass. Each one was different, beautiful but fragile. It would only take one touch to wipe them away. Because he was already in a rather maudlin mood, Justin felt that the snowflakes were a perfect analogy for his relationship with Brian. It had been beautiful at times. There were private tender moments that he would cherish for a lifetime, but in the end it had proven too fragile. They had been tested and it all crumbled. Could it ever be rebuilt? If given the opportunity, would Justin even want to try again? Justin wasn’t sure. He didn’t know if he would be able to stand a hurt like that again. It had taken too much out of him the first time.

Justin needed to hear something to dispel the isolation he felt so he went to the radio and turned it on. Sarah McLachlan was singing some song. He liked it. It fit his mood. The song was full of love, but melancholy. He shut his eyes tightly, imagining Brian standing behind him, his arms wrapped around the small frame of his lover. Undoubtedly, Brian would find the song silly and sentimental, but Justin liked it.

Despite his best intentions, Justin let his mind wander to what ifs. There was a part of him that wondered what Brian would have done if he had tried to come back after the whole thing with Ethan fell apart. Looking back on it, Justin could see that it was doomed from the start. He had never been in love with Ethan. The musician had been a nice guy, maybe a little bit full of himself, but the spark had never been there. Justin had loved the idea of Ethan, someone who would love him back and give him all the pretty words he wanted to hear. But Justin had learned that they were meaningless if they didn’t come from the person you loved. So not long after it started, that relationship had ended. Justin had decided right away that he couldn’t go crawling back to Brian. That wasn’t fair. He had made his choice, even if it had been with the aide of a strong push off a very large cliff, and he intended to live with the fact that he had made a huge mistake.

Besides, the whole affair had taught him something important. He wasn’t going to settle for second best anymore. He wouldn’t just be in love with someone without getting it in return, and he wouldn’t accept the words without true love behind them. Next time, Justin would have the whole package. He knew that it might be a lot to look for, but he didn’t care. So maybe he would end up single his whole life, that wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.

Justin leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window, looking out into the frosty night. His breath fogged the window pane as he continued to stand there, lost in his thoughts, trying to pretend that he didn’t feel all alone.

~*~*~*~*

There were too many ghosts that seemed to haunt the loft that night, too many memories that couldn’t be locked away no matter how much of an effort was put out. Brian knew that it would be useless to try to sleep. If he was even able to fall asleep they would just invade his dreams. The only way to escape them would be to leave the loft for a while. Hopefully they would have gone back into hiding again by the time he got back. Despite the late hour and cold weather, Brian threw on a jacket and grabbed the keys to the jeep.

He cursed himself. Thoughts of Justin were never too far from the surface, but tonight it was worse because of the letter he had sent to his ex-lover. He still didn’t know why he had done it. He could very easily have just sent the tuition check without any note, but something had made him decide to add it at the last moment. Of course he wouldn’t admit to anyone that he had done it because he possibly cared about Justin, about he couldn’t sleep at night sometimes, wondering if he was ok. No, he wouldn’t admit that at all. He would simply say that he had made a promise to Justin, and that included making sure he had sufficient funds to live off of. Not that any one would have believed him.

Brian drove around for a while, but it wasn’t helping much. When he reached Liberty Avenue, he pulled the car over to a parking space and got out. He decided to walk around the empty street. Maybe that would help him clear his head. The air had turned bitter cold, and Brian pulled his coat tightly around him to keep warm. He didn’t have any particular destination in mind, so he just started walking. He decided to avoid the diner because he didn’t want to run the risk of running into Debbie. He certainly wasn’t in the mood for that. In the end he decided to walk in the direction of Babylon.

~*~*~*~*

Justin didn’t know how it happened, but his little apartment suddenly felt suffocating. He had to get out before he choked on the stale air that surrounded him. Without stopping to think about what he was doing, Justin grabbed his coat from the closet in the hall and was out the door. He didn’t pay any attention to where he was going, just concentrated on breathing deeply as he walked off into the night.

Finally slowing down, Justin forced himself to be calm. He started thinking about Christmas. He had worked hard to make sure that he had enough money to buy Christmas presents for all of his friends. It was too bad that he would have to wait until next week to give most of them out. He had spent Christmas Eve with his mother and sister because they were leaving early the next morning to spend Christmas in the country with his grandparents, so they had already received their gifts. Debbie had invited him over to her house to celebrate Christmas with the gang, but he didn’t feel comfortable doing that. Despite how good everyone had been since the break up, Justin felt he shouldn’t go on Christmas because he knew Brian went every year, and it would be too awkward for everyone. So he had lied and said he was going with him mother.

After a while, Justin began to realize how cold it was. He hadn’t been very warmly dressed to begin with, and he had forgotten his gloves once again. He was always doing that. When he had lived with Brian the previous winter, the older man had always made sure to remind him because he knew how easily Justin got cold. But now that he was on his own, he found that he regularly forgot things like that. Justin stopped walking and leaned against a pole as he rubbed his hands together, trying to warm up a little.

~*~*~*~*

~The fire is dying, my lamp is growing dim  
The shades of night are lifting  
The morning light steals across my windowpane  
Where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near  
To breathe a sigh or two  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter night with you  
And to be once again with you~

On an empty street, very early Christmas morning, a young man stood beneath a lamp post. He was very beautiful, almost angelic looking, with golden hair and cheeks flushed pink from the cold. He had been standing there for a few minutes, not overly aware of his surroundings when another man came into view through the mist that came up through the vents in the sidewalk. This man was also beautiful, his hair sticking out at odd angles as if he had just woken up. At the same time they lifted their eyes from the ground and saw each other.

Brian stopped dead when he saw the figure standing beneath the lamp post in front of Babylon. He blinked to make sure that it wasn’t an illusion, but he was still there. Swallowing hard, he squared his shoulders and continued walking towards the post.

Justin gasped when he saw the figure appear through the fog. He would know that body anywhere. It was the one he dreamed of when he slept. It was the one that appeared on so many pages in his sketch book. And now that figure was walking right toward him. Justin waited for whatever was to happen next.

“Hi.” Brian said simply. He didn’t seem his usual cocky self. In fact, he seemed subdued, almost vulnerable. He saw that Justin’s hands were red and cold and took them into his own warmer hands.

“Hi.” Justin whispered back. Their bodies moved closer as if drawn by a magnet. Brian leaned in and brushed Justin’s lips with his own.

“Merry Christmas.”

* * *

* Song lyrics from Sarah McLachlan’s “Song for a Winter Night”


End file.
